Usually every year, I have all of our weekends planned for the whole summer. This year was different. I was told on February 13, 2012 that I was going to miscarry. On February 17, 2012, I miscarried. On March 19, 2012, I developed a high fever (sometimes as high as 104) until I was hospitalized on March 23, 2012 for blood sepsis. My liver started shutting down. My heart was beating rapidly and the Doctors could not find a cause other than labeling it "viral". I then developed huge 5 cm cysts on my ovaries that caused extreme back pain, bloating and stomach pain. A few days after Easter, my throat was swollen and I lost my voice (possibly viral but still under investigation). Since April, my vocal chords have been damaged, swollen, irritated and enlarged. More recently, I have developed pain in my joints with weakness in my right arm.
I say all these things to say that the Doctors have called me a "mystery" but I call it deliverance from God. During these strange, hard health problems my strength had to come from the Lord as I didn't have my own strength. I believe it was fine to have all of our get aways and weekends planned as long as I was living a life of dependence and submission on the Lord. The Lord has always been faithful to cause a plan to not come to fruition if it was not His will. Also, there have been many times where the time would come to do that plan and both my husband and I knew despite our wishes and wants that it was not the Lord's best for us.
Also during this time, God has directed my steps by:
1.Having me meet a Chaplain at Lourdes who gave me a name of Dr who is cancer Doctor but also specializes in lyme. I had lyme disease 10 years ago. During our discussions, I found out that this doctor treated someone with end stage ovarian cancer and she survived. This information was helpful because a friend of a friend needed this information. God had put me in the right place at the right time despite my nagging not to be hospitalized. It was the next morning after the hospital stay that I met the Chaplain.
2.Bringing many things in my life by showing me how brief life is and to live for the eternal. My grip on the temporal is becoming looser.
3. Delivering me over and over (seen his healing over and over). The viral infection went away and the liver started functioning well as soon as my Elders, Church and friends started praying. This showed me the power of community.
4. Showing me that this Summer God had different plans for me. The weekend that we normally would have went to Sesame Place, I sensed from God that we should not go. Our whole family wanted to go. It was good we didn't go because that Saturday it was important for my husband to spend time investing in learning about some new things for his job. We didn't know this but it came up on Thursday. Subsequently, my husband and I have both had it on our hearts to work heartily onto the Lord. We have been more committed to have our home look organized and beautiful (not just as a physical dwelling but a place where we want God praised and lifted up).
5. We usually go to Yogi Park during Grandparents weekend, we didn't call and reserve a spot due to everything going on. It was a good thing we didn't because we learned on May 20th that a pastor candidate for our church was coming. We needed to be at Church to meet the Pastor, ask questions, be focused in prayer and discerning. Also, my three year old son developed chicken pox that Friday we would have left. God again directed our steps as to where we should be.
Scriptures:
James 4:13-15 "Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow, we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell and make a profit." whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that."
Observations:
1. Life is a vapor (it is short)
2. Attitude of humility and dependence on the Lord (daily manna)
Applications: Committing works to the Lord is not just in prayer asking God what we should do. It is a heart attitude of submission to the Lord and a life of utter dependence. It means I would change my plans even if I had reservations if the Lord spoke something to my heart. It is not just saying "the Lord willing over and over" in a repetitious way. Many people may not make plans. Many people may just tack on The Lord Willing to anything they want to do. There may be some that are afraid to make any plans because they don't know what God's will is. As I read this passage in James, the application that comes to me is that it is ok to make plans. It is fine to have a schedule. Many times a schedule and plans gives a framework to our days. When I don't make plans or a schedule, I sometimes just go about each day without purpose and without seeking God. Schedules and plans give order. However, there are times that I sense in my spirit that God is saying no once a plan is in order. At that point, I may have time invested and money invested in that plan. It is in those moments, that I need to submit to God and say Yes to his plans. For me, I don't have peace unless I submit.
In Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." The Lord does speak even if you are in the midst of making plans, already made the plans, already stepped out in doing those plans. When God speaks through His word and into our hearts, it is important to submit.
Many people may think having such an ordered, planned life is "unspiritual and controlling" as we are making our own plans. Others may think that no schedule and just waiting for God is "unspiritual and lazy". I am learning to live in an ordered life that can do without schedules and plans just to delight in people or things God puts in my path. I am also learning to live an ordered life where we do have a very detailed structure to our days. The middle or tension between these two is knowing that the Lord directs my steps. I will hear his voice behind me whether I turn to the right or the left telling me this is the walk, walk in it. I thank God He is not finished with me yet. I have a very detailed schedule that I plan to follow most days but I am sensitive to God's spirit and learning to not see people or things as interupptions to a schedule. I want to be available to people and relationships and not just accomplish things on a schedule. I believe the purpose of a schedule is to provide a framework or order so that in this order and quietness, I can hear God speak. His words from the Bible never come back void. Acts 17:28 says in Him, we live, move and have our being...we are his offspring/children. This is a life of utter dependence.
Application Steps:
1. Did you/I pray through the plans and schedules we made? Did we have planned time, private time, and prolonged time with the Lord?
2. Did we roll off our concerns, wants, burdens onto the Lord and leave them there willing to do we committed to do on our schedule and/or willing to hold the plans loosely if God did not allow them to come to pass or tells us no?
Prayer: Lord ,thank you that we can live in confidence that you will direct our steps. Thank you that everything is in your hand. Lord, thank you that you inhabit the praises of your people. May your praises always be on my lips.
